There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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