Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
