the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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