My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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