he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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