It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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