I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
The adults are the big ones right?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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