i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
