The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
