Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
