hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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