I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
