I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
