i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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