There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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