nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
