Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
