i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I touched a dick in church today
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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