i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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