Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
