6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
