I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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