Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Randomize
