Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize