I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
