Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
