Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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