Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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