I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
