the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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