Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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