just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
