Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
