I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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