You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
