I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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