Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
