I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
