I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
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Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
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I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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