I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
