The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
