a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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