Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
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