Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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