i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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