Moan for me like Helen Keller
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
