We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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