my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
