Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
