she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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