I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
