Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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