I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
