That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Sponge bath it is.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
