she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
