remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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