...so i touched it.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
