just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
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