My nipple is on Facebook.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
