Don't make out with my wife yet
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
