I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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